remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
