i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
