oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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