bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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