i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
