I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
