I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
