If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
