stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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