Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my shit smells like andre
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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