i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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