I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
