PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
