they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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