he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
