My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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