my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
