Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
