My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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