you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
