Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
