3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
