Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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