she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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