did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
