I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
