I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
