My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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