There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize