please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
