Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ketchup is God's man juice
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
