oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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