I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
