Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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