I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
