Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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