It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
