Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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