I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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