Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
