Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
