I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
