Only a mothe r could love this liver
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
