Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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