Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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