I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
