OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
