I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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