He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
