I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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