just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
