There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
