he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
