Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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