Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
