I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
