I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
