Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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