What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
