dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
